I don't really know if it's possible to give you an idea of what the last month was like for me on the Hematology/Oncology service (blood disorders and cancer). I had heard a LOT of different things about Heme/Onc going into it (it's super depressing, those kids are sick as snot, these will be your favorite families of all of residency, etc), and had equally as many feelings about starting (mostly terror at the "depressing" and "sick as snot" parts, also dreading the 28-hour calls and looking forward to working with the great group of residents that were on service with me). It was all of the above and more.
It was not being able to sleep at night because I was afraid one of my patients wouldn't make it through until the next morning. It was blowing bubbles with one of my patients who was bed-ridden and dying, but loved swatting at bubbles. It was rejoicing at baby steps, like tolerating 2 extra ounces of formula a day or having a one-point decrease in pain scores. It was seeing bald toddlers ride Big Wheels through the halls like there was a devil on their tail, and then having the bald 17-year old wish that they made adult size Big Wheels (cause they should).
There were days when I had to cry because it wasn't fair and days when I stood in awe of the strength and grace with which many of these patients and families dealt with the unimaginable.
One thing I heard before starting that I know is true is that after this month, I know I have nothing to complain about. And I know that even though I moved on to the next rotation, these patients will continue to impact me and will hold a very special place in my heart.
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