Run down

Got a lot on my mind tonight, feeling like I need to vent. Probably just need to pray, which is next on my list.

Still having trouble hearing back anything about jobs. Trying not to let "trusting in God" mean that I don't exhaust all of my options. But really I just don't want to think about it.

Totally over being on inpatient right now. Frustrated with the fact that my decision often doesn't count for much, that I have no control over when patients are admitted and when they go home, and that I'm at the hospital 13 hours a day. Yesterday my body mutinied and slept through my alarm, leaving my team senior-less for an hour and a half. Good thing my interns are so good I'm practically worthless anyways.

Have had four codes while team leader this month that have left me feeling rather inadequate. I've had a lot of moments where I've been reaffirmed, but they don't stick out as much in my hypercritical mind.

A friend of mine was way too close to a tragic murder in Philly this week that left me feeling physically sick and I'm sure has devastated an entire community. Praying for her and not really knowing how to help. Hating that there's that kind of senseless suffering in our world.

Reading a really decent book right now--The Rook. It's like X-Men meets The Bourne Identity, and it's a perfect escape. I'd rather do that than study or work out or look for jobs or clean my bathroom or cook real food (I ran my dishwasher a week ago and still haven't emptied it because I haven't eaten real food in my apartment since).

Like I said, what I really need to do is just go sit with God and let Him reassure me, because I'm not my lack of job or my burnout at work or my imperfections or my inability to comfort a friend or my poor motivation. I am a daughter, servant, and beloved of the Father. If only I could convince myself of that.

Under the banner

In the Spiritual Exercises, St. Ignatius calls his readers to imagine themselves in a battle, with two armies. One under the standard (or banner) of God, and one under the standard of Satan. We must choose which standard we will follow. St. Maximilian Kolbe imagined himself a warrior against Satan and wanted to create an army for the Immaculata to win the world for her Son. Make no mistake, that battle is still raging, perhaps more so now than ever before. The last several months of news has caused me to give up a little, between the healthcare mandate, mass shootings, the stress of work, and the suffering of those around me. It's easy to spout words of trust and then retreat into my own corner. But God has given me just a bit of a competitive streak, despite my protests. And so, the other part of my new year's resolution is to tap in again, suit up and run full on into the battle, whatever that ends up looking like. Again, still working out the details... 

Resolution

It feels like everyone's life is moving on without me. Marriage, pregnancy, houses, new jobs. And I'm happy for them, each and every one. It's exciting to be a part of their journeys. It just feels a little lonely to not only have none of those things, but to feel like I don't have anyone to share my own journey with. And yet, I know cognitively (though my heart is a little slow on the uptake) that God has amazing plans for me. Plans for my happiness. Plans for my fulfillment. Maybe my resolution this year will be to believe in His plan. I know that's quite vague. I'm still working on the details. I want to celebrate the little things, not be afraid to reach out, show love first, be a leader, pray, focus on the positive, and accept where I'm at. Because the truth is that this is where God has led me, and that means it's where I'm supposed to be. And who I'm supposed to be. So I guess I should be okay with me.