Slainte!

"Celebration is only possible through the deep realization that life and death are never found completely separate. Celebration can really come about only where fear and love, joy and sorrow, tears and smiles can exist together. Celebration is the acceptance of life in a constantly increasing awareness of its preciousness."

Again, Henri Nouwen is spot on. This is exactly what I'm feeling as I finish residency and my time in Kansas City. So it was almost a relief to read these words last night. Because it made it okay that I'm not just feeling giddy with joy and smiles, but also feeling some fear, sorrow, and apprehension about leaving and moving forward. I thought I should be leaping for joy at being done and moving home and starting my job. But it's terrifying and sad too. I'm leaving behind so much, not the least of which is familiarity, and we all know how much I love change. I've been kind of unable to feel the fullness of any one emotion because there's the opposite emotion pulling me in the other direction. But Nouwen's words make total sense and allow me to truly be present in this moment, whatever emotions are there. Because all of it can be wrapped up in this celebration of the preciousness of this part of my life. And I really can celebrate. Cheers!

Residency 3.12: Hem/Onc

I did it! I managed to post after every single month of residency. Also, I finished residency. Not too shabby.

The last month was spent back on the Hem/Onc floor (cancer and blood disorders), with some of the sickest, saddest cases. What a way to end. We had several rocks that we got to know pretty well throughout the month, which is good for continuity but bad for morale. It stinks to see a previously healthy 16 year old wasting away with no hope of going home any time soon, or maybe ever. There were some bright spots, like dancing to "Step In Time" with a 3 year old boy who loved Mary Poppins, having a mom say she's so glad to see me, and high-fiving a nurse for a successful PICU transfer without having to call a code.

But holy cow, am I glad to be out of there. I was almost giddy as the minutes ticked down on my final 28-hour call. It's really surreal to be done, and there's not really any words for the roller coaster of emotions as I finish up this 3 year journey. I have to go back Monday to turn in all my stuff and get my certificate, and I know as I walk out those doors for the last time (at least until I come back to visit), my steps with be somewhat heavy. I'm looking forward to resting and enjoying the next 2 weeks, although I've already started packing and eww.

Ready too, to get home to the fam and the mountains. Thanks for following along on this journey. Feel free to stay aboard for the next leg.

Freedom

This isn't anything new or ground-breaking, but I wanted to organize my thoughts on the topic. I've always been bothered by people who reject religion or the Church because they don't want to be told what to do. Not only does it mean that they have the wrong idea of what the whole purpose of religion is, but they are assuming that they know better than God or anyone else what is best, not only for them, but for others. They are putting themselves above the law (which I recently learned is the root of the word hypocrisy--"above" the "law"). I'm not calling them all hypocrites, but I want to point out what I think is the main flaw in their logic. A logic that has pervaded our Western culture. Namely that the ultimate goal is freedom, and that freedom means license to do whatever one pleases. It's freedom from restrictions. If you subscribe to that, then of course you reject a Magisterium that comes and says you can't do whatever you want.

I would argue two things. Firstly, that freedom is not the goal in and of itself. People who stop at freedom are cheating themselves of a greater good. And secondly, that freedom is not license to be subject to our passions, but rather liberty from those passions to pursue that greater good.

The Christian understanding of freedom, expressed beautifully by Paul, is that we have been set free for a purpose. You have to start with an adequate understanding of the human person, as body and soul, subject to passions and sensations, but also with an intellect and a will to govern those. If I merely follow my passions--by eating whatever I want, ignoring difficult tasks, satisfying sexual urges, acting on anger--I am not free, but rather enslaved by those impulses. If my intellect and my will are able to choose the good, to choose to love, that is when I am truly free.

Christianity helps illuminate what that greater good looks like, gives us tools to tame our passions and to submit our will so that we are free to choose. I'm borrowing this example, but if I am angry at someone, the freedom is not that there is no law prohibiting my killing him, because then I am a slave to my anger. The freedom is when I can change to loving him so that I no longer desire to kill him. The commandment that prohibits killing is not what is preventing my freedom; it's merely a guide to help me until I can discover true freedom.

I hear the train a comin'

You guys, we are getting SO close to the end that it's ridiculous. Tomorrow is Halfway Breakfast of my LAST month of residency. I can count on four fingers the number of calls I have left. I've hit the required number of clinic patients I have to see. Graduation is over and done with. And I have sixty-some dollars to spend in the cafeteria and snack shop before my food card is deactivated.

Bring it on.

Celebration

Seems fitting that my 300th post is marking a milestone as big as residency graduation, not that I planned it that way. Friday night we got to celebrate the culmination of years and years of school and training...my 13 years of basic schooling, 4 years at Creighton, 4 years of medical school, 3 years of residency...basically I've been in learning mode my whole life, working towards this moment when I can call myself a pediatrician. (Minus the fact that I still have three weeks left of work. Whatever.)

 We had a beautiful night and a great event space down in Power and Light. Lots of family members and lots of faculty mentors come to send us off. I was asked/volunteered to give a tribute to our program directors, thanking them for their support over the last three years. It's hard to put into words stuff like that, but I was grateful for the opportunity; we don't say thank you enough.

This was before I started crying

I also had the great surprise of winning The Wasserman Personality Award (aka The Tie Award), given by one of our great retired toxicologists to a graduating male and female based on "no specific criteria, just gut feel." This was Wass' 42nd graduation, although he attended via video because he's in the hospital, and he has been a Children's Mercy institution and a model of excellence in clinical prowess and resident education. I have no idea what prompted him to award me a tie, but I am honored.

"It can be a scarf or a belt"

All in all, it felt like a very fitting tribute to all of our work, sweat, and tears, and I'm proud to claim Children's Mercy and my classmates, and will be sad to leave it all behind. Thanks to the fam for making an event of it and braving I-70 and early mornings.

Residency 3.11: Board Review

Okay, this wasn't a real month per se, but I'll check in and give y'all an update. I actually stuck to my study schedule pretty well, and while the hours spent studying weren't always what I'd planned (or probably needed), I did at least cover all the topics, get through all the MedStudy books, and do like 500 questions. Apparently some of this stuff is actually relevant...one of my night in the ED on a float shift, I saw my first case of popsicle panniculitis (what? I know!) and then 3 days later had the same thing as a board question--true story!

One of the reasons I didn't get more studying done was that I was constantly horizontal...I was EXHAUSTED! I think the combination of coming off PICU, finally being able to relax, and trying to catch up with 3 years of residency sleep debt caught up with me. I was sleeping 10 hours at night and still needing naps during the day. There were times I couldn't drag myself out of the recliner/off the couch. And now that I'm all sort of caught up, I'm right back to Hem/Onc with 28-hour calls and a wonky sleep schedule.

I also didn't get quite as much training in for the Hospital Hill 10K as I had hoped. Nonetheless, I discovered that listening to "Catholic Stuff" podcasts while running is actually more enjoyable than music, and that I can in fact enjoy running. Fun race, great weather, check another thing off the list!

It's also hitting me that we're nearing the end. We had our class retreat, I had my final performance review with my program director, yesterday was the graduation awards ceremony, and we have graduation in 3 days. I'm gonna have to start saying goodbye real soon and it makes me sad. What an incredible three years this has been. More than I ever could have imagined or hoped for. Super excited to have the fam in town to meet everyone and vice versa (cause they've heard a LOT about the Zapapi), and to have an evening for just our class.