In Memory

"Eric killed himself yesterday. I was going to use a pseudonym to tell you the story, but that somehow seemed a violation of his identity, and if he didn't have that at least, he'd only be a memory. The first thing I felt was the crushing heartache--for his mom, for Paul, for his fiance, for me, for anyone who had to tell or hear the news. Is it morbid that my next thought was for details? Not as morbid as the details themselves I suppose. He shut himself up in his car, in his garage, and shot himself in the head. Just like that. He was 23. They said he was taking medication for bipolar disorder. Is that supposed to make it better? That now we have a reason? I wonder if his doctor just threw pills at him. Did he even try to understand the pain in this young man's heart? Did he care? Did anyone?

Eric's funeral was this morning. I couldn't go. Emotionally, I mean, I knew I couldn't handle it. His poor mom and little brother. His friends and family. I'd been at one funeral for someone who died too young--a stranger, a car accident. That was almost unbearable. This would be worse. It was too much. Mom said it was nice. Said Paul loooked grown up. How could he? He's only 13. But death does that sometimes. 'I'll miss you, bro.' That's what he said. Mom was mad. How could he leave behind a fiance? How could he not see any other way? How could he do this? How could he? And I thought...You don't put a bullet in your head unless you're absolutely convinced that the bullet won't hurt as much as the pain inside.

It's raining today. Studying carbon monoxide makes me think of suicide, makes me think of Eric. Now I wish I'd gone to the funeral. But I know that then I couldn't have. I wish I had that memory though. Some warped kind of closure. Maybe that's what this is. So at least you'll know about Eric. That he was in need. That he was needed. And that somehow, those truths were never shared."

I don't know that I'll ever put this behind me. I don't know that I should even try. But at least now I feel okay enough to share it. I am so grateful for the blessings in my life, for God's hand protecting me, lavishly pouring His love upon me, holding me, leading people into my life. So much happens...new jobs, graduations, health problems, moving away, getting married, suffering a loss. It brings so many different emotions to the surface, takes so long to process. But through it all, God is constant, with plans for our welfare and a life of hope and freedom.

My heart is ready.