Ironic that my most real practice at being a doctor so far came while pretending to be a nurse. However, I was dubbed "the best nurse ever" so I can't have done too bad a job. The Challenge Summer Camp was in need of a camp nurse from Tuesday night through Wednesday night. Bored med student on summer break to the rescue. I proved myself rather adept at smearing Neosporin on Band-aids and telling girls to lie down and sip water. Things every mom should know how to do. However, my presence was appreciated by one mom whose twin girls were both on a beta-blocker for long QT syndrome. I was able to explain to them from personal experience what being on a beta-blocker feels like and that they shouldn't worry about their hearts. That felt good. Also, I apparently was fun enough that a few of the girls kept looking for excuses to come up to see me, and to stay for 45 minutes telling me stories that only middle school girls get that excited about. I wish I could have stayed longer, and at the same time, I was relieved to go home. It's daunting being THE medical professional on site, and really uplifting to actually seem competent. I'm still a long way off from M.D., but I'll take "best nurse ever" for now.
On another note, I'm starting to consider working with kids with disabilities as a result of some training classes for autism that I've been able to sit in on. Really fascinating strategies for intervention in toddlers that I could totally see myself using some day. Or maybe it's just for my own personal knowledge and enjoyment. Who knows.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Why
"It was a weeping day...On and off, tears fell uncontrollably. Little girl that I truly am--couldn't be held enough, couldn't believe enough. And yet, as I looked to you, Lord, I knew that you were holding me, believing for me."
I'm trying to believe that God allows desolation to draw us closer to Him. But some desolations are too strong. They are too big for me to believe that there is a peak high enough to warrant wandering through the valley. I'm trying to believe that God is bigger than all of this, but I don't know if my faith is big enough. Everytime I feel like I'm just celebrating God's blessings, tragedy hits so hard that I find myself whining like a child, "It's not fair." But it's not. Nothing in Scripture rings true this time.
"Hide me away in the palm of Your hand. Be Thou my fortress strong. Cover my head in this battle that rages..."
I'm trying to believe that God allows desolation to draw us closer to Him. But some desolations are too strong. They are too big for me to believe that there is a peak high enough to warrant wandering through the valley. I'm trying to believe that God is bigger than all of this, but I don't know if my faith is big enough. Everytime I feel like I'm just celebrating God's blessings, tragedy hits so hard that I find myself whining like a child, "It's not fair." But it's not. Nothing in Scripture rings true this time.
"Hide me away in the palm of Your hand. Be Thou my fortress strong. Cover my head in this battle that rages..."
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Wishing upon a star
Pictures will be up on Facebook soon (right guys?) but I'll jot down some memories from this weekend while they're fresh. My friend Kim got married yesterday and truly honored me by asking me to be her Maid of Honor. I asked the Best Man if he thought it was corny that I said that, and he said no, and I'm making him the official judge. Not only was it an honor, it was also one of the most fun weekends of my life.
Thursday, Bachelorette party. Fairly fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants, thanks to my busy schedule/lack of planning/mini-golf course closing due to "inclement weather." I think maybe you can get a sense of the night by getting a glimpse of our conversation.
Kim's house before we left: "I think I peed a little."
Party City to get us all decked out: "I'm a tease!"
Target to get socks for the back seat: "What's it say?" "Bachelorette." "Oh, are you getting married?" (Here's your sign! Kim wanted to say, "No, I just get the best strippers when I wear this.")
Bowling alley: "Jasmine just got hit on by the shoe lady."
Friday's (too many to pick just one): "No salt!" "Zero fun, sir!" "This tastes like feet!" "Who's the sober one?"
Friday, Rehearsal. Met Bethany, Nathan's sister, other bridesmaid; Nathan's parents; groomsmen. The groomsmen decided that when we were walking down the aisle, we had to say "Gail" every time our right foot hit the floor. Gail was the wedding coordinator, who had everything under control, right down to tape markings where we should stand. I asked Michelle later if she was also getting excited just standing up there on the altar (stage) thinking about it. "I was thinking how I was going to see the tape mark under my dress." Nice to know we were all taking it seriously. Dinner was freaking amazing. When that's all you have to pay for, you can sure make it nice. Between the filet mignon the size of my head, Francois the lovely French waiter with a bolo tie, and the chocolate mousse cake, I was in seventh heaven.
Saturday, Wedding. Showed up at 8 to get ready. So many funny memories from that hour alone. Took pictures, tripped up the stairs practicing walking up with our dresses and flowers, made sure we ate so we wouldn't faint during the ceremony, took more pictures, prayed with Kim, used a whole box of dryer sheets on Jasmine's dress, took more pictures, etc. The actual wedding was beautiful. I tried so hard not to cry so I wouldn't ruin the eye makeup that Heather had worked so hard on, but my nose was running quite a bit. It was surreal and so grace-filled to be on the altar with Kim, as a witness to her commitment to Nathan and as a friend beside her to support her. And no one tripped going down the stairs, so that's a plus. The reception was, we'll say, calm. We always joke that Nazarenes don't believe in pre-marital sex because it leads to dancing. And I didn't mix that up. But my toast went over well, so I'm told, the food was good, and I think Kim enjoyed herself, which is the most important thing. I got hit on both sides of the head going for the bouquet and so was nursing my wounds as Michelle came up with it. We always said she would be the first to marry.
Anyways, thanks to Kim for a wonderful time, and to my "new best friends" for making me laugh so hard. The Lord bless you and keep you...
Thursday, Bachelorette party. Fairly fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants, thanks to my busy schedule/lack of planning/mini-golf course closing due to "inclement weather." I think maybe you can get a sense of the night by getting a glimpse of our conversation.
Kim's house before we left: "I think I peed a little."
Party City to get us all decked out: "I'm a tease!"
Target to get socks for the back seat: "What's it say?" "Bachelorette." "Oh, are you getting married?" (Here's your sign! Kim wanted to say, "No, I just get the best strippers when I wear this.")
Bowling alley: "Jasmine just got hit on by the shoe lady."
Friday's (too many to pick just one): "No salt!" "Zero fun, sir!" "This tastes like feet!" "Who's the sober one?"
Friday, Rehearsal. Met Bethany, Nathan's sister, other bridesmaid; Nathan's parents; groomsmen. The groomsmen decided that when we were walking down the aisle, we had to say "Gail" every time our right foot hit the floor. Gail was the wedding coordinator, who had everything under control, right down to tape markings where we should stand. I asked Michelle later if she was also getting excited just standing up there on the altar (stage) thinking about it. "I was thinking how I was going to see the tape mark under my dress." Nice to know we were all taking it seriously. Dinner was freaking amazing. When that's all you have to pay for, you can sure make it nice. Between the filet mignon the size of my head, Francois the lovely French waiter with a bolo tie, and the chocolate mousse cake, I was in seventh heaven.
Saturday, Wedding. Showed up at 8 to get ready. So many funny memories from that hour alone. Took pictures, tripped up the stairs practicing walking up with our dresses and flowers, made sure we ate so we wouldn't faint during the ceremony, took more pictures, prayed with Kim, used a whole box of dryer sheets on Jasmine's dress, took more pictures, etc. The actual wedding was beautiful. I tried so hard not to cry so I wouldn't ruin the eye makeup that Heather had worked so hard on, but my nose was running quite a bit. It was surreal and so grace-filled to be on the altar with Kim, as a witness to her commitment to Nathan and as a friend beside her to support her. And no one tripped going down the stairs, so that's a plus. The reception was, we'll say, calm. We always joke that Nazarenes don't believe in pre-marital sex because it leads to dancing. And I didn't mix that up. But my toast went over well, so I'm told, the food was good, and I think Kim enjoyed herself, which is the most important thing. I got hit on both sides of the head going for the bouquet and so was nursing my wounds as Michelle came up with it. We always said she would be the first to marry.
Anyways, thanks to Kim for a wonderful time, and to my "new best friends" for making me laugh so hard. The Lord bless you and keep you...
Thursday, June 7, 2007
In Memory
"Eric killed himself yesterday. I was going to use a pseudonym to tell you the story, but that somehow seemed a violation of his identity, and if he didn't have that at least, he'd only be a memory. The first thing I felt was the crushing heartache--for his mom, for Paul, for his fiance, for me, for anyone who had to tell or hear the news. Is it morbid that my next thought was for details? Not as morbid as the details themselves I suppose. He shut himself up in his car, in his garage, and shot himself in the head. Just like that. He was 23. They said he was taking medication for bipolar disorder. Is that supposed to make it better? That now we have a reason? I wonder if his doctor just threw pills at him. Did he even try to understand the pain in this young man's heart? Did he care? Did anyone?
Eric's funeral was this morning. I couldn't go. Emotionally, I mean, I knew I couldn't handle it. His poor mom and little brother. His friends and family. I'd been at one funeral for someone who died too young--a stranger, a car accident. That was almost unbearable. This would be worse. It was too much. Mom said it was nice. Said Paul loooked grown up. How could he? He's only 13. But death does that sometimes. 'I'll miss you, bro.' That's what he said. Mom was mad. How could he leave behind a fiance? How could he not see any other way? How could he do this? How could he? And I thought...You don't put a bullet in your head unless you're absolutely convinced that the bullet won't hurt as much as the pain inside.
It's raining today. Studying carbon monoxide makes me think of suicide, makes me think of Eric. Now I wish I'd gone to the funeral. But I know that then I couldn't have. I wish I had that memory though. Some warped kind of closure. Maybe that's what this is. So at least you'll know about Eric. That he was in need. That he was needed. And that somehow, those truths were never shared."
I don't know that I'll ever put this behind me. I don't know that I should even try. But at least now I feel okay enough to share it. I am so grateful for the blessings in my life, for God's hand protecting me, lavishly pouring His love upon me, holding me, leading people into my life. So much happens...new jobs, graduations, health problems, moving away, getting married, suffering a loss. It brings so many different emotions to the surface, takes so long to process. But through it all, God is constant, with plans for our welfare and a life of hope and freedom.
My heart is ready.
Eric's funeral was this morning. I couldn't go. Emotionally, I mean, I knew I couldn't handle it. His poor mom and little brother. His friends and family. I'd been at one funeral for someone who died too young--a stranger, a car accident. That was almost unbearable. This would be worse. It was too much. Mom said it was nice. Said Paul loooked grown up. How could he? He's only 13. But death does that sometimes. 'I'll miss you, bro.' That's what he said. Mom was mad. How could he leave behind a fiance? How could he not see any other way? How could he do this? How could he? And I thought...You don't put a bullet in your head unless you're absolutely convinced that the bullet won't hurt as much as the pain inside.
It's raining today. Studying carbon monoxide makes me think of suicide, makes me think of Eric. Now I wish I'd gone to the funeral. But I know that then I couldn't have. I wish I had that memory though. Some warped kind of closure. Maybe that's what this is. So at least you'll know about Eric. That he was in need. That he was needed. And that somehow, those truths were never shared."
I don't know that I'll ever put this behind me. I don't know that I should even try. But at least now I feel okay enough to share it. I am so grateful for the blessings in my life, for God's hand protecting me, lavishly pouring His love upon me, holding me, leading people into my life. So much happens...new jobs, graduations, health problems, moving away, getting married, suffering a loss. It brings so many different emotions to the surface, takes so long to process. But through it all, God is constant, with plans for our welfare and a life of hope and freedom.
My heart is ready.
Monday, June 4, 2007
Baby Screaming It’s Head Off In The Middle Of The Night And Ruining My Life Pie
I've decided I love movies. Which is ironic since I can rarely find one whose morals are enough in line with my own to warrant viewing. Maybe that's why I like so many chick-flicks; not because I necessarily enjoy the genre, but because by and large, they're fairly watchable. The reason I've decided I love movies gets a little tricky to explain, mostly because I haven't sorted it all out in my head yet, but it's along the lines of becoming engrossed in someone else's drama, being able to sympathize with them, enjoy their perfect friendships, remember when I wanted to use those same lines, marvel at an actor's talent to perfectly convey the exact emotion you're feeling. At first I had a complex that it was just because my life was boring and I was living vicariously through cinema, but I've since decided it's more than that (or at least I'm telling myself that to prevent severe self-pity). I think I just like being immersed in the human experience, and I enjoy living it myself or being drawn into it through a movie. I love the relationships and the dialogue and the emotions and seeing people discover things about themselves, take risks, love, hurt, whether they're real people or simply characters. I saw Waitress last weekend and decided it fell smack into the middle of this love of movies. I'm not going to try to convince you that everyone will like it, but it certainly covers the human experience. Not to mention some pretty delicious sounding pies. I also got to re-watch Phantom of the Opera with Rachelle last week, and was surprised by how much I still enjoyed it the third or fourth time around. Granted, opera ghosts and deformed men and gorgeous soundtracks aren't a typical part of life for most of us, but the shame, longing, pain, triumph, fear, and innocence are.
Of course, there are also movies good for pure entertainment value, and I don't think I have to justify liking Casino Royale to anyone.
On a totally different note, and still semi-related to the title, which is why I chose it, I was at Mass on Sunday and was overwhelmed by the number of kids that were there. A boy and a girl in front of us distracted me because they seemed so close to their parents, wanting to be near them and hug them and talk to them, rather unlike my own sisters. And during the offertory, dozens of them gleefully skipped forward to place their offerings in the glass jar. If only we could give so freely, or find that much joy in life at all. I decided two things. My heaven will be the joy and freedom of thousands of children. And I can't wait to be a mom. I still don't know what God's plan for me in that area is, but if it is His will, I can't wait to have kids and to share te love I've felt with them as much as humanly possible.
Moving further from relevant, a few random thoughts...I love being outside in Colorado. I really like Corn Toss. I'm really excited for the weddings this summer. I love cookouts. I am not thrilled my knee is preventing me from riding. It's surreal to be done with my first year of med school. I am so grateful for this past year in Denver. I could eat fruit and dirt pudding all day long (not necessarily together). And I'd better get back to being productive.
Thanks for listening, and for being there.
Of course, there are also movies good for pure entertainment value, and I don't think I have to justify liking Casino Royale to anyone.
On a totally different note, and still semi-related to the title, which is why I chose it, I was at Mass on Sunday and was overwhelmed by the number of kids that were there. A boy and a girl in front of us distracted me because they seemed so close to their parents, wanting to be near them and hug them and talk to them, rather unlike my own sisters. And during the offertory, dozens of them gleefully skipped forward to place their offerings in the glass jar. If only we could give so freely, or find that much joy in life at all. I decided two things. My heaven will be the joy and freedom of thousands of children. And I can't wait to be a mom. I still don't know what God's plan for me in that area is, but if it is His will, I can't wait to have kids and to share te love I've felt with them as much as humanly possible.
Moving further from relevant, a few random thoughts...I love being outside in Colorado. I really like Corn Toss. I'm really excited for the weddings this summer. I love cookouts. I am not thrilled my knee is preventing me from riding. It's surreal to be done with my first year of med school. I am so grateful for this past year in Denver. I could eat fruit and dirt pudding all day long (not necessarily together). And I'd better get back to being productive.
Thanks for listening, and for being there.
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