I hate fasting (I'm just gonna say it)

For someone who thinks about food as much as I do, fasting for Ash Wednesday and Good Friday are pretty much the highest form of emotional, mental, and physical torture that anyone could inflict. Which I think reiterates why I need it so much. Hear me out.

On a typical day, I wake up after having gone to bed the night before planning my breakfast. The important thing is a balance of sweet and savory, not too heavy on the dairy, and easy to make. I also need an adequate (but not too large) "second breakfast" if I'm working (needs to be portable and preferably quick to heat/eat because I can't use my "lunch break" on second breakfast). Don't forget the coffee, and if I went too light on the sweet side of things, breakfast dessert. As soon as I'm done with second breakfast, I'm thinking about lunch. Whether I'm in the mood for it, whether I can wait long enough, whether I'm going to have enough time to eat it, whether I remembered dessert. I try to have all the food groups (meat/protein, chocolate, fruit/vegetables, simple carbs with extra sugar, grains, dairy) and adequate portions. I usually roughly count the calories when I'm packing my lunch the night before. Then the question is whether I indulge in an afternoon beverage. If I'm at work, maybe a diet soda, green tea, or Crystal Light. If I'm off, something more in the alcoholic category. Dinner is mostly making sure I have enough protein to silence the tummy rumbles and an adequate dessert. And then I'm thinking about tomorrow's food.

Whew! I'm exhausted just writing about it. Imagine being in my head all day. There's no time to think about anything else. So when Ash Wednesday rolls around, I usually start the panic thoughts a few days in advance. What can I eat for my third meal that's bigger than the two small meals but not gluttonous? Do I have enough tuna packets for Ash Wednesday and that Friday? What's the best timing of the meals? Do I give up coffee and risk the caffeine headache or just drink it black as mild penance? How can I make sure I still have enough protein/fat so my blood sugar doesn't drop (this last one is a very real concern; remember, I'm a fainter)?

Add to that the complicating factor of working a 13-hour shift on Ash Wednesday. What if my blood sugar drops while I'm in a patient's room? What if I need to eat but can only get in half my meal before a sick patient comes in, then can I finish it later or does that count as an extra meal? Can I even stay up that many hours while fasting? (I usually try to sleep for most of these days if I can. Less awake time=less cranky time.)

And then there's the actual fasting. My tummy grumbles...everything makes me think of food...someone ordered pizza...I deserve a donut...wonder what my blood sugar is now...how many hours until lunch...does a graham cracker count as dessert...I'm weak and cold and have no energy. By the end of the day, I am not a happy person.

And all the while, my strangled soul is screaming GET A GRIP!!! I STILL got three meals. I STILL had access to clean water. I STILL had a warm bed to crawl into. I STILL get to wake up the next day and gorge on donuts. God will provide. Again and again and again. I do not need to be thinking this much about food. I need to be thinking this much about God, and what He wants me to do with all the gifts I've been given. I need to be made a little uncomfortable, because clearly my body is used to getting its own way. So, as much as I loathe fasting, this is perhaps a good reminder to me to do it more often, so that it becomes easier. Because I can't get much worse at it.