Run down

Got a lot on my mind tonight, feeling like I need to vent. Probably just need to pray, which is next on my list.

Still having trouble hearing back anything about jobs. Trying not to let "trusting in God" mean that I don't exhaust all of my options. But really I just don't want to think about it.

Totally over being on inpatient right now. Frustrated with the fact that my decision often doesn't count for much, that I have no control over when patients are admitted and when they go home, and that I'm at the hospital 13 hours a day. Yesterday my body mutinied and slept through my alarm, leaving my team senior-less for an hour and a half. Good thing my interns are so good I'm practically worthless anyways.

Have had four codes while team leader this month that have left me feeling rather inadequate. I've had a lot of moments where I've been reaffirmed, but they don't stick out as much in my hypercritical mind.

A friend of mine was way too close to a tragic murder in Philly this week that left me feeling physically sick and I'm sure has devastated an entire community. Praying for her and not really knowing how to help. Hating that there's that kind of senseless suffering in our world.

Reading a really decent book right now--The Rook. It's like X-Men meets The Bourne Identity, and it's a perfect escape. I'd rather do that than study or work out or look for jobs or clean my bathroom or cook real food (I ran my dishwasher a week ago and still haven't emptied it because I haven't eaten real food in my apartment since).

Like I said, what I really need to do is just go sit with God and let Him reassure me, because I'm not my lack of job or my burnout at work or my imperfections or my inability to comfort a friend or my poor motivation. I am a daughter, servant, and beloved of the Father. If only I could convince myself of that.