Suck(l)ing

Most of the time, even though I adamantly support it, I'm kind of annoyed by breastfeeding. I have to wear specific clothes and bras, always carry the nursing cover if we're out of the house, make sure I'm able to pump if I'm away from the baby for more than 4 hours, remember to take my lecithin (quite a help for clogged ducts, for those of you that care), drink more water than I'm used to, even get woken up at night when she does manage to sleep more than 5 hours because I'm full and need to pump (okay, this only happened once). Even though my waist line is getting back to normal, many of my shirts don't fit because of my much fuller chest (I know, I know, most people wouldn't consider this a problem per se, but I don't want to buy a whole new wardrobe. I hate shopping as it is.). So in many ways, I'd be more than happy to give up nursing, and look forward to July of 2018 when I can make the transition to whole milk.

And yet.

Earlier this week, I was getting ready for bed and found myself quite sad that she was already asleep by the time I got home and I wouldn't get to nurse her. Then lo and behold, she woke up right as I was turning in, and I got to hold her and caress her head while she nursed anyway. And I found myself grateful for this "annoyance." I have actually acutely felt the oxytocin release during let down, becoming suddenly overwhelmed with love for this tiny creature. I love that I get to nourish her with my very body, that I am all she needs (though she benefits greatly from a very loving and creative daddy, and very generous extended family). I love the health benefits of breastfeeding--immunity, IQ points, emotional bonding, SIDS risk reduction, etc. And yeah, the cost savings don't suck either.

In short, everything I love about breastfeeding is because it's what is best for my daughter. And everything I loathe about breastfeeding is a hindrance to my convenience and lifestyle choices. It's a perfect microcosm of life as a mom in general, the sacrificing of much lesser goods for a much, much greater good. The laying down of what I want for the good of a very tiny other. And aside from all the benefits, is probably why God designed it this way from the beginning. So that I'm reminded every day that it's not about me or what I want. Like most things.

Turns out God is pretty smart after all.