My heart song

It was sophomore year, the first game of the season. We sat in a dark classroom, our giant ABK bags spilling out from underneath our desks, heads down, as the music started. "We call them cool, those hearts that have no scars to show..." As the song played, I could feel the energy building throughout the room, 17 girls ready to leave it all on the field, "yearning to get out of control."

That was the first time I heard it, and every time I hear it again, that memory comes back. The motivation to go outside myself, to risk something for a purpose, to lay everything on the line. It's something that I've faced over and over. That first time, it was just a soccer game, but in the 13 years since, it's been many things. Serving on team for TEC, applying to medical school, climbing 14ers, moving to Kansas City, being vulnerable in friendships, standing up for what I believe in, caring about something so much it hurts. They were times that I could feel the fear inside me rising up, threatening to take over, making me want to go back to someplace safe. It's so easy to stand on the edge and sigh with relief that I don't have to feel...heartache, disappoint, regret, shame. But it's never enough. It's never enough until I push myself into the flames. Yes it burns, but it's a purifying fire that gives life, not death. It's there that I feel alive.

We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always comes with getting burned

But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire

We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

They're so hell-bent on giving, walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide
Standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

Moving on...

I've been so busy at work lately that the end of this year has crept up on me. All of a sudden, we have new chief residents, the senior roast, graduation, people packing up their stuff, signing contracts...and new intern orientation starting tomorrow. TOMORROW! I'm not quite ready for this year to be done. Not ready to say goodbye to people who have been by my side for the last two years (although thankfully several of them are going to be hanging around in various capacities; I might die if they were all leaving), not ready to break in a whole new class of baby doctors, not ready to be the third years--the ones everyone else looks to when things go wrong, the ones who should be level-headed and know what to do next, the ones who have to start looking for jobs (eek).  Up until this point, my whole life has been neatly mapped out for me--college, medical school, residency--I didn't have to have a 5-year plan, because I was on an 11-year plan. Well, I've got one year left until I have to be a grown up...better make the most of it!