Guys, I'm getting married next week. Still hard to believe. There were days, sometimes weeks, during the last decade when I was sure I would never say that. There were also days, sometimes weeks, when I just knew it was going to happen. Just not when it would happen. God has a funny way of working like that. I'm hoping to also get to write about all the touchy-feelies as I get ready to embark on this great adventure, but this is what came out instead.
First, back to those days I was sure I would die single. I had all sorts of people give me all sorts of opinions and advice during my single years, and most of it, frankly, was counterproductive to the assurance I know they were trying to offer. Trust me, I know I can't get married if I don't first meet people. You think I didn't lament my introversion nearly every day in college and medical school? Telling me to just "get out there" didn't help. Inviting me to join a football team and driving with me to the games? That's helpful. Even worse than "get out there" is the ubiquitous "You'll find someone when you least expect it" or "God has someone out there for you." While the latter might be true (He did, and His timing was perfect), neither of those did much for my self-esteem when I was watching many of my friends walk down the aisle and start popping out babies, living their vocations full-throttle.
Asking me why I wasn't dating anyone was my least favorite reaction. "You know, because I am waiting for Prince Charming to come along and sweep me off my feet on his white horse." "Oh, I just like being alone. In fact, I have turned down three good offers this week for dates." What do they think I'm going to say? The better response, by far, is just to listen and encourage. Just a few weeks before meeting A, I was lamenting my lack of success
with online dating, and a friend, instead of telling me my standards
were just too high (I love that one too), listened, and then said, "Well, if your biggest
hang-up is that they're not Catholic, maybe you should join Catholic
Match. You can't be less successful than you are now." While I didn't
meet A on Catholic Match, hearing that, and joining a *gasp*
pay-for-service dating site, helped me to put enough energy into the
whole process that I think it did help me find the one
Alright, enough negative rant. The truth is, there are plenty of things that my friends did to help me through those years of wondering about my vocation. Probably most importantly, they invited me to be part of their lives. Hanging out with my single friends helped me to enjoy the freedom of my state in life. But being with my married friends probably helped prepare me more. I got a first-hand look into the mini-van, diaper-changing, bath-time chaos before it will become my reality. We talked about the struggles of marriage and parenthood, which let me see what vocation was all about, and reminded me not to wait for the "fairy tale" because it's not real. And whether single or married, my best friends helped me to become the best version of myself so that I would be ready to give myself in marriage. They never framed it that way, but that's how it happened. I'm so incredibly grateful for those friends, hoping that my getting married next week will only enrich our lives, though I know things will change.
And ultimately, I'm grateful for the waiting. I'm grateful that I was able to learn to love myself before I learned to love someone else. I'm grateful that I didn't settle. I'm grateful that I had some amazing adventures while I was still free to do so without worrying about family life. I'm grateful for being able to work on my faith, my career, and myself, so that I am not relying on A to fill any voids, because that's not his job.
I'm hoping that the next time I'm wondering and waiting, I can remember that God has a perfect track record, and that just because people tend to stick their feet in their mouths when they want to help doesn't mean what they're trying to say isn't true. And I hope I can be the sort of friend that I had to those who are still waiting.
