Breaking the chains

I've spent the last 46 days (because this year I determined that it would behoove me more to include Sundays in my Lenten penance) disconnected from facebook (minus one, and only one, foray to retrieve a cell phone number that I had nowhere else...and I didn't even look at my wall).

It has been painful at times. Mindlessly scrolling through the apps on my phone looking for that blue and white logo even though I deleted the app because I didn't trust my self-control (clearly a wise choice), taking a picture to post before I remembered that I couldn't post it anywhere, collecting ridiculous hashtags to share with no one in particular, wondering what was going on in the lives of those people that I only connect with on facebook.

In other ways, it's been freeing. My husband says he notices me present more often. I have read more for pleasure during Lent than I normally do. I was able to commit to prayer time more faithfully, often before the end of day, so that it wasn't the last thing I did as I pulled the sheets up. I learned that I can indeed survive without it.

But I also realized that I am an addict. As I mentioned, my fingers are so used to pulling up the app on my phone that I kept looking for it even though I knew I had deleted it. I felt the urge to get on at multiple times throughout the day. I am still looking forward to getting on tomorrow and seeing what all I've missed in the last seven weeks (I also realized I get most of my news stories from facebook--depressing and embarrassing--because I missed such major things as a doctor getting dragged off a plane, and the US bombing ISIS). And so I want something to change. I don't want this Lent to have been a 46 day interlude that holds no lasting effect.

So I've been thinking about what I actually enjoy about facebook. I do like keeping in touch with more people, people that it's not feasible to talk to or text all the time, but who I still want in my life. I like being able to share articles, pictures, milestones, etc. And I've been thinking about what I don't like. The comparison of my own very real life to the facades that I measure up against, the mindless trolling that wastes so much time, the resentment that creeps in when my "friends" post inflammatory rants or memes.

I think the internet and social media can be a force for goodness, truth, and beauty. So that will be my new goal. I want to share God as much in that venue as I strive to in my personal life. I want people to see my page as a reflection of me, not a sarcastic or attention-seeking version, but an authentic one. It will probably mean I'm on a lot less often, and that's okay. In fact, I hope that's the case. Maybe it will give me more time to write and blog, which I've been wanting to get back to anyways (I can use the same goals for this venture, I suppose).

And here's hoping that next year, I will have achieved a balance so that I can move on to a different Lenten sacrifice. And here's also hoping that I (and you) can use social media to our purposes, rather than being slaves to it.

I hate fasting (I'm just gonna say it)

For someone who thinks about food as much as I do, fasting for Ash Wednesday and Good Friday are pretty much the highest form of emotional, mental, and physical torture that anyone could inflict. Which I think reiterates why I need it so much. Hear me out.

On a typical day, I wake up after having gone to bed the night before planning my breakfast. The important thing is a balance of sweet and savory, not too heavy on the dairy, and easy to make. I also need an adequate (but not too large) "second breakfast" if I'm working (needs to be portable and preferably quick to heat/eat because I can't use my "lunch break" on second breakfast). Don't forget the coffee, and if I went too light on the sweet side of things, breakfast dessert. As soon as I'm done with second breakfast, I'm thinking about lunch. Whether I'm in the mood for it, whether I can wait long enough, whether I'm going to have enough time to eat it, whether I remembered dessert. I try to have all the food groups (meat/protein, chocolate, fruit/vegetables, simple carbs with extra sugar, grains, dairy) and adequate portions. I usually roughly count the calories when I'm packing my lunch the night before. Then the question is whether I indulge in an afternoon beverage. If I'm at work, maybe a diet soda, green tea, or Crystal Light. If I'm off, something more in the alcoholic category. Dinner is mostly making sure I have enough protein to silence the tummy rumbles and an adequate dessert. And then I'm thinking about tomorrow's food.

Whew! I'm exhausted just writing about it. Imagine being in my head all day. There's no time to think about anything else. So when Ash Wednesday rolls around, I usually start the panic thoughts a few days in advance. What can I eat for my third meal that's bigger than the two small meals but not gluttonous? Do I have enough tuna packets for Ash Wednesday and that Friday? What's the best timing of the meals? Do I give up coffee and risk the caffeine headache or just drink it black as mild penance? How can I make sure I still have enough protein/fat so my blood sugar doesn't drop (this last one is a very real concern; remember, I'm a fainter)?

Add to that the complicating factor of working a 13-hour shift on Ash Wednesday. What if my blood sugar drops while I'm in a patient's room? What if I need to eat but can only get in half my meal before a sick patient comes in, then can I finish it later or does that count as an extra meal? Can I even stay up that many hours while fasting? (I usually try to sleep for most of these days if I can. Less awake time=less cranky time.)

And then there's the actual fasting. My tummy grumbles...everything makes me think of food...someone ordered pizza...I deserve a donut...wonder what my blood sugar is now...how many hours until lunch...does a graham cracker count as dessert...I'm weak and cold and have no energy. By the end of the day, I am not a happy person.

And all the while, my strangled soul is screaming GET A GRIP!!! I STILL got three meals. I STILL had access to clean water. I STILL had a warm bed to crawl into. I STILL get to wake up the next day and gorge on donuts. God will provide. Again and again and again. I do not need to be thinking this much about food. I need to be thinking this much about God, and what He wants me to do with all the gifts I've been given. I need to be made a little uncomfortable, because clearly my body is used to getting its own way. So, as much as I loathe fasting, this is perhaps a good reminder to me to do it more often, so that it becomes easier. Because I can't get much worse at it.