The fruits of marriage

When A and I were discerning marriage, I found that one of the more difficult parts to swallow about giving myself completely to another person was not that gift in and of itself, but its consequences. Namely, the babies.

In the Rite of Marriage, the couple answers three questions before proceeding to the vows:

Have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in marriage?

Will you honor each other as man and wife for the rest of your lives?

Will you accept children lovingly from God, and bring them up according to the law of Christ and His Church?

Those first two aren’t so hard (I mean relatively). I wouldn’t be walking down the aisle if I weren’t ready for those. And even the last one, on the surface, is an easy yes. I wouldn’t be walking down the aisle in a Catholic Church if I didn’t want that. Besides the fact that we were excited to start a family, excited to be parents.

I was looking forward to answering those questions in the affirmative, but what it meant to “accept children lovingly” gave me a bit of hesitation. Because it wasn’t just the children I was saying yes to. It was the process of having children.

If I were to stand at the front of that church and say yes, I would be saying yes to morning sickness, stretch marks, heartburn, swollen ankles, labor pains, and maybe never fitting into that size 4 dress again. Seriously, as we went through our discernment, as I thought about my future with this man, I pictured my friends in the worst throes of pregnancy—everything from having to wear flip flops because no other shoes fit to extreme hyperemesis requiring feeding tubes to weeks of bed rest and NICU stays—and it made me want to take a step back.

More than the physical changes of my body, I would also be saying yes to a very tiny someone else determining my schedule of sleep and socializing, piles of laundry and diapers, an entire change in my identity. Never again would my life be just my own. Or maybe it would be the opposite, and we would struggle with the heartache of infertility, miscarriage, congenital disease, infant death (yes, as a pediatrician, this is what I think about). And all of that was scary. More than just a little bit.

I didn’t expect A to understand, but I told him about my fears anyway, because I wanted him to know that for me, it was more than just saying yes to the wedding night, but also to everything that would follow. And that was the point in my discernment that I knew I could marry this man, because I knew I could answer those questions honestly.

Fast forward just past our six-month anniversary, and it’s all become a beautiful, challenging reality.

Our daughter

It’s a fascinating paradox, like so much in the Catholic life. If I stop and think too hard about growing a tiny soul inside of me, of being responsible for another human life, I might crawl into a hole and never come out. And yet, all of it feels so natural and right, like this was exactly what I was created to do. Because it is.

Yes, the physical parts have been hard (I never wanted an outie, and I hate foot cramps, and being even more clutzy), as have the emotional (What if I’m not a good mom? What if I don’t recognize post-partum depression?), and the financial (I think you get that part). But my husband has been the most wonderful support, reminding me how beautiful I am because I’m pregnant, not in spite of, and that we’re in this together. Always together.

I think the most enduring realization (or at least confirmation) of these last six months has been that God’s plan is really the best. He has plans for our welfare, for “a future with hope” (Jer. 29:11b). It’s different than how I would have written it, but this version is so much richer, so much more fulfilling, and yes, probably more challenging.

It’s letting go of control—notice that question doesn’t say “Will you accept children on your own time when it’s convenient, and raise them in whatever way helps to maintain your comfortable lifestyle?” Turns out life more abundant is a little messier, a little less sure, and a lot more rewarding.

Praise God.

On the death of the single life

Guys, I'm getting married next week. Still hard to believe. There were days, sometimes weeks, during the last decade when I was sure I would never say that. There were also days, sometimes weeks, when I just knew it was going to happen. Just not when it would happen. God has a funny way of working like that. I'm hoping to also get to write about all the touchy-feelies as I get ready to embark on this great adventure, but this is what came out instead.

First, back to those days I was sure I would die single. I had all sorts of people give me all sorts of opinions and advice during my single years, and most of it, frankly, was counterproductive to the assurance I know they were trying to offer. Trust me, I know I can't get married if I don't first meet people. You think I didn't lament my introversion nearly every day in college and medical school? Telling me to just "get out there" didn't help. Inviting me to join a football team and driving with me to the games? That's helpful. Even worse than "get out there" is the ubiquitous "You'll find someone when you least expect it" or "God has someone out there for you." While the latter might be true (He did, and His timing was perfect), neither of those did much for my self-esteem when I was watching many of my friends walk down the aisle and start popping out babies, living their vocations full-throttle.

Asking me why I wasn't dating anyone was my least favorite reaction. "You know, because I am waiting for Prince Charming to come along and sweep me off my feet on his white horse." "Oh, I just like being alone. In fact, I have turned down three good offers this week for dates." What do they think I'm going to say? The better response, by far, is just to listen and encourage. Just a few weeks before meeting A, I was lamenting my lack of success with online dating, and a friend, instead of telling me my standards were just too high (I love that one too), listened, and then said, "Well, if your biggest hang-up is that they're not Catholic, maybe you should join Catholic Match. You can't be less successful than you are now." While I didn't meet A on Catholic Match, hearing that, and joining a *gasp* pay-for-service dating site, helped me to put enough energy into the whole process that I think it did help me find the one

Alright, enough negative rant. The truth is, there are plenty of things that my friends did to help me through those years of wondering about my vocation. Probably most importantly, they invited me to be part of their lives. Hanging out with my single friends helped me to enjoy the freedom of my state in life. But being with my married friends probably helped prepare me more. I got a first-hand look into the mini-van, diaper-changing, bath-time chaos before it will become my reality. We talked about the struggles of marriage and parenthood, which let me see what vocation was all about, and reminded me not to wait for the "fairy tale" because it's not real. And whether single or married, my best friends helped me to become the best version of myself so that I would be ready to give myself in marriage. They never framed it that way, but that's how it happened. I'm so incredibly grateful for those friends, hoping that my getting married next week will only enrich our lives, though I know things will change.

And ultimately, I'm grateful for the waiting. I'm grateful that I was able to learn to love myself before I learned to love someone else. I'm grateful that I didn't settle. I'm grateful that I had some amazing adventures while I was still free to do so without worrying about family life. I'm grateful for being able to work on my faith, my career, and myself, so that I am not relying on A to fill any voids, because that's not his job.

I'm hoping that the next time I'm wondering and waiting, I can remember that God has a perfect track record, and that just because people tend to stick their feet in their mouths when they want to help doesn't mean what they're trying to say isn't true. And I hope I can be the sort of friend that I had to those who are still waiting.

Buen Camino

In four short days, twinnie and I will embark on a journey of epic proportions--heading across the Atlantic to join in a pilgrimage hundreds of years old. The Camino de Santiago, or Way of St. James, began in the 9th century when the remains of the apostle were discovered in a field and a shrine was built on the site, drawing pilgrims from around the world.


Ignatius junkies that we are, we will also visit the monastery in Montserrat where he had a vision of the Blessed Mother during his conversion. Then we will take the overnight train up to Galicia with a plan to walk just over the last 100 miles of the Camino along the Via Frances (the French Way starts on the other side of the Pyrenees, but we don't have six weeks). I say that it's our plan because the one thing I hear from everyone who's done the Camino, besides that it's amazing, is that it doesn't quite go how you plan.


As we get down to the wire, I'll be honest, that part terrifies me. If you know me, you know that I'm a J to the max on the Myers-Briggs scale. I like planning, I like knowing what's going to happen, and even when I try not to have expectations, they sometimes have me. Two weeks of not only being in a foreign country with a foreign language, but also being on my feet, with minimal comforts of home, shared bunkrooms, at the mercy of whatever is in the next town--yeah, not a dream for a J. But, also very important to stretch myself, and a great opportunity to learn to trust and roll with the punches. Because, you may also know that I'm fixin' to be hitched this fall, and as I was told last week, "The Camino will be the perfect preparation for marriage".


They say the Camino is whatever God wants it to be for you at that time, and I think there is no better time for me to let go of control. That doesn't mean it will be easy, so please pray for me. We have decided that the benefits of unplugging outweigh the benefits of keeping our faithful readers updated, so no blog while we're gone, but I'll tell you all about it when we get home.

Marriage "prep"

For the last several months, my fiance and I have been working our way through Gary Chapman's book "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married". Based on what he's seen in decades of premarital and marital counseling, Chapman has created a list of a dozen topics for couples to discuss on their journey towards marriage. Many of the concepts seem intuitive, if not downright basic. For example, "That toilets are not self-cleaning" and "That I was marrying into a family". Well, duh. It's not that we didn't already know these things, but it was incredibly beneficial to actually discuss them and what they meant for our relationship.

As we worked our way through the book, we found that we had already touched on many of the topics, but it was nice to have a nonthreatening springboard into them that wasn't triggered by an argument. The book covered areas like money, in-laws, roles in marriage, sex, disagreements, personality, etc. More importantly, it made those subjects concrete, asking us to discuss specifics like how much we will tithe, who will do laundry, and what constitutes a meaningful apology. It wasn't always easy to be honest in our discussions, but again, it wasn't like we were waiting until an argument arose before bringing it up, when things would have been far more emotionally charged.

I would highly, highly recommend this or a similar book to help break down the barriers to discussing these important topics. Again, it gives you a platform to start talking without having to wait for him to leave the toilet seat up or her to make some extravagant purchase. I don't even think it matters if you're already married, or not sure you're going to get married. Any couple can benefit from having these discussions on neutral ground. Get a book and start plugging away.

True love (but for real)

I don't have anything brilliant to add to this saintly wisdom. Even if I did, I wouldn't say it as well. This is from Karol Wojtyla's "Love and Responsibility" (written before he became pope, and a solid foundation upon which was built his "Theology of the Body"). Much of the first part of the book talks about different types of love, and asserts that attraction and affection are not sinful, or even inferior types of love, just incomplete, as they are meant to lead us to a more complete love.

In this part, he speaks especially towards sexual attraction as a key component for betrothed love (he even goes so far as to say betrothed love is not possible without it), but that it grows into a more authentic love as it points towards the value of the person as a whole. Read carefully. And then read it again.

"True love, a love that is internally complete, is one in which we choose the person for the sake of the person, -that in which a man chooses a woman or a woman chooses a man not just as a sexual 'partner' but as the person on whom to bestow the gift of his or her own life. 'Sexual' values, vibrantly present in their sensual and emotional reactions, contribute to the decision and make it a more intense psychological experience, but it is not they which determine its authenticity."

"We are bound to recognize that the choice of a person of the other sex as the object of betrothed love, and a the co-creator of that love by way of reciprocity, must depend to a certain extent on sexual values...[but] the choice of a person is a process in which sexual values cannot function as the sole motive, or even - if we analyze this act of will thoroughly - as the primary motive."

"So that if we consider the whole process by which a man chooses a woman or a woman a man, we can say that it is set in motion by recognition of and reaction to sexual values but that in the last analysis, each chooses the sexual values because they belong to a person, and not the person because of his or her sexual values."

This guy knows what he's talking about

Love wins

I’ve been torn on what to say, if anything, in relation to yesterday’s Supreme Court decision. I am not surprised by it, but I am saddened by it. However, I find myself having a much stronger reaction to the social media response to it, and here’s why.

I lament that the left-leaning secular crowds have claimed “Love wins” as their mantra. It sounds so intuitive and so, well, loving, that anyone who disagrees with anything they say is labeled a hater and a bigot. Who doesn’t want love to win? But here’s the truth. Love isn’t 5 appointed judges making some arbitrary decision. Love isn’t being able to be with whomever you wish, for however long you wish, for whatever reason you wish. Love is a man who hung on a cross for three hours after enduring abandonment, mocking, torture, and crucifixion, who then conquered death and rose again. Love is a God who holds us in existence, whose love is so concrete and dynamic that it creates. Love is wanting the good of the other person for his or her own sake (and we could have a whole different discussion about defining “the good”, but suffice it to say it’s not comfort). So, yes, love wins. Love always wins. But I’m reclaiming that phrase for Love Himself, who wants better for us. Who wants us to walk the straight and narrow, which is difficult to be sure, but leads to life to the full.

Furthermore, I’m upset by the subtle, unrecognized discrimination of the so-called “tolerant”. All those people posting rainbows in solidarity with the “persecuted” would never post a cross to support the Christians around the world who are being put to death for their beliefs. They would never post a picture of a church if one were forced out of its tax-exempt status because it held to its beliefs in not holding same-sex union ceremonies. Those posting rainbows are only in solidarity with those who hold their same beliefs, namely that people should be able to do what they want, but only if those people are not Christians who are convinced that God’s law still trumps the law of the land. 

Finally, I’m disturbed by the short-sighted nature of those who are celebrating this decision as a victory. To say that marriage can be defined based on the whims of culture is to lead us farther down a slippery slope from which our society may never recover. This has nothing to do with the “rights” of homosexuals, to things like healthcare benefits, tax status, etc. To redefine marriage is to undermine the foundation of our culture, which is the nuclear family. What is to now stop someone from “marrying” their father, or brother, or dog, because who are you to tell someone who to love? When our children grow up seeing that “marriage” is merely a construct of convenience and enjoyment rather than commitment and covenant, they will extrapolate those values to everything else. I really don’t think it’s alarmist to go down this path. I think it’s ignorant and naïve not to.

So yes, it’s easy to post “Love wins” without thinking about what you are really saying, and it’s easy to say that anyone who disagrees with you is a bigot, but Love has always won and will always win, and Love looks a lot more like this: