Motherhood

It's amazing how quickly a tiny three-pound baby can change one's identity so irrevocably.*

When I graduated medical school, I had to practice--out-loud--saying that I was a doctor, because that wasn't just a switch I could flip in my brain and suddenly identify as a physician. Same thing with "girlfriend", "fiance", and "wife." It took time to hear those things being said about me without doing a double take. Yet, from the moment that little blue line showed up, I've been a mother, and in many ways it hasn't taken any getting-used-to at all (as A says, "almost as if this is what you were made for." He's pretty smart).

At the end of Mass this past weekend, the priest invited all mothers to kneel for a blessing. Kneeling there, belly right up against the book rack of the pew in front of me, head bowed, it struck me that not only was this my first Mother's Day, but that, no matter what happened from here on out, I would always be a mother. Always. Whether I am blessed to carry this baby girl to term and watch her live a long life with many happy memories, whether I go on to bear many more children, or whether we tragically lose her even before she is born and never have another child. Or anything in between. No matter what, she has changed me.

My identity as a mother was sealed at her conception, even though I didn't know it at the time. It's a daunting title to have, given the example of our Blessed Mother, as well as the many amazing mothers that I know. And while I don't know what all this role holds for me, I know that it will require a gift of myself unlike anything I have experienced thus far in my life, even in marriage. I know that alone, I am not up to the task. Thankfully, God has created me for exactly this role, given me a wonderful, supportive, and patient husband, and a loving community, and He knows far better than I do what He's doing.

So for now I'll just keep relishing her little kicks, tolerating the frequent bathroom trips, offering up the ligament pain, and praying for her every day, grateful for this baby girl who has forever made me a mother.

*baby's average weight at 31 weeks, where I was for Mother's Day